A story by Jason Bittel at Slate about how bears hibernate tries so hard to be funny and somehow "hip" that it winds up distracting readers from the interesting tale that Bittel is trying to tell.
Bittel's story reveals interesting details about bear hibernation and how it is related to reproduction and the protection of cubs until they can take care of themselves. He begins by noting that "Even small children too young to attend to their own biological functions" know that bears hibernate. But bears are not true hibernators, Bittel reports.
And then he writes, "I know what you’re thinking: First Lance Armstrong, then Manti Te’o, and now this."
Some might enjoy ragging on Armstrong and Te'o in this context, but I think it's out of place, and I missed what Bittel wrote in the next two or three grafs because I was still cringing over a lighthearted joke about bears being linked to two not-very-light-hearted stories. Also, the comparisons don't track: Armstrong perpetrated a hoax on us; Te'o was the victim of one; and nobody perpetrated a hoax about bears–that's just Bittel's construct.
The story contains far too many of these zingers. Here are a few:
Humans do not have penis bones, alas. Just the euphemism.
After bears rock it in the usual way…(talking about coitus).
…bears are capable of some weird shit.
And so on. And this is his kicker: "Sometimes, black bears even hibernate in the tops of trees like Keebler elves. Which reminds me, I wonder how E.L. Fudge cookies taste dipped in polar bear milk." (He has previously talked about the taste of polar-bear milk.)
I applaud Bittel's attempt at humor and colorful writing. But writing that calls such attention to itself distracts readers from the story. They're more likely to remember Bittel's aside about penis bones being for sale on the Internet than they are to remember the details of bear hibernation–which are fascinating enough to carry the story without the distractions Bittel adds.
Last November, Bittel wrote a story for Slate entitled "How do porcupines mate? Very carefully." That's the old joke, of course. But on his website, Bittel's link to the story is entitled "You can't rape a porcupine."
Rape jokes? I don't think so.
-Paul Raeburn
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